Sopshicated style in my life

I feel as if I scared to design, one because of my fathers words of wisdom now six years ago and that was the fact that one u will be labled a queer and two, business there is always needs for jobs. I think more importantly being bipolar this year and finding out I am ADHD, going down the first time and faling at it, and then again faling at it because of my everyday life and what I struggle with. I scared to design because I am scared of failure in my life I am scared to live on my own again and having a relaps in my life because I could not handle the pressure of graduate school @ that time and place in my life. I have to take that leap of faith but I am scared, scared so much it hurts when I gasp for air, Maybe my father was that I would be a failure at it and that there was so much competition for it and I was not cut out for it, But I think I am talented and I feel if I have confidence in me I will be fine in my life. I take responisblity for what has happen to me this year. I am scared most of all because how do I know I will not be a failure when I leave the nest in my life that I am so continueously return to in my life. My entire I have always wanted to make beauty out of nothing and I still do but I am scared scared to fall flat out on the ground and no way of picking myself up from the mess that could happen and it scares me to death, it is general life maintance for me to go to a therapist, take meds, handle the pressure of everyday classes and working, It scares me to death that I will fall on my face.

Nam-Myo-Range-Kyo

Avoidance in one life!!!!!!!

avoidance:often attributive: the act or practice of keeping away from or withdrawing from something undesirable,reinforced by escape. When I went to savannah, georgia for graduate school I was doing alot of avoiding my creditors, my responsbilities, my health, So last week I filled for bankruptcy, I had no choice, I was up agains a fucking wall in which this was a last resort in my life, This was my only way for progression and to move on in my endless journey in the present and my future. Sara, My therapist has been using maslows theory of higher archy to use as my form of therapy model, for my treatment of therapy. Every week we joke about about all the gay men in the northwest corner of Connecticut and how she should have a happy hour/social get together to get all the gay men with baggage together to see if any of us are compatible with eachother for life partners. I finally been through all my trials in life so far, But there is one person I do still miss deeply in my heart and soul and that is carter, as I said before I can stand on my own too feet, I wish I could find someone like him to enter into my spirit and soul in my life.

Avoidance for me, I doing everything I want, and not doing proper planning. Planning is the key to one life and what one must do in order to be successful in ones life. I have been advoiding the proper successful steps in my life in order to move on. I am finally working on the weight, I have tried and tried to the ends of the earth and I dont find this as a one time solution but away to work towards the goal and strip me of the chains that have been holding my essence, my vessel of life down in a prison and my health. We must face every part of our life face to face or we will never move forward to success in ones life. For me doing everything I want is at that current time and moment and not the necessary things that need to get done inorder to be success for me.

Rosa Parks,said: "I am leaving this legacy to all of you ... to bring peace, justice, equality, love and a fulfillment of what our lives should be. Without vision, the people will perish, and without courage and inspiration, dreams will die -- the dream of freedom and peace." Her convictions and morals out this statement was for every american in life for equality, and not be denied equal rights if Rosa Parks advoided the situation and moved there would not be equality, and there would be segreation to this very day and time. But there is still segregation towards gay people, because we choose to love partners of the same sex, It is not normal some may say from the right wing christians, But was it normal for the mormens to have mutiple wives in the past yes, but why cant there be equality because it is one simple thing this very country was based on christian belief, also everything is about interupting about laws, society and government.

Nam-Myo-Range-Kyo

Karma Of Past and Present!

Today was a conversation of persistance:The state or quality of being persistent; persistency or progression in ones life. As I went into the city today, I remember a time and place that I was down and I was miserable, Because I was raped, I lost of a montary possessions, and endangerment to myself. I was a at a place and a time were I was put in rapture of ciagos in my life. I went to a buddhist temple today and I chanted for those who deal with pain on a daily bases and are not one within themselves. My fortune from the buddhist temple states: My probability of sucess is good, My pairing was done before words, My fruits of my progression are flown in by iron birds, as they are flown in I await there until there everlasting glow of their full potential, Somehow, somewhere, you"ll be well know. Progression for me was about me, me alone embarking on a journey of past demons, having to be in total darkness in the mist of a storm and no never ending to it in anyway or form, I had to let the love of my parents to guide me, and show me the love of guidance and embundance, it was the guiding migration of my life in there hands and not letting me go and showing that my soul was too beatiful for so much suffering in one life, release my wings and fly little one onto everlasting happiness and escape your never ending suffering in your life that you have suffered so far in your journey of your past, In which so far I feel that I have being 24 @ 1:40 am in the morning.

Today I saw apart of my past, in flash to the end of my day before I left NYC, When I was walking to the train station to take the outgoing train, to Connecticut, I saw my two former favorite residents, When I was a Resident Assistant in college, I did not know what the results of my labor and passion with higher education at the time of my senior year in college would be? Until this very day and time. Today I saw two grown young men embarking on ways they need to live out their lives for now before the next stage of their progression on there endless journey in life, Today I saw progression within these two young men and I also saw falws in these young men that with the essence of time can be overcomed on their endless journey in life.

Nam-Myo-Range-Kyo.

pride and predujust in a letter to the human mind of a close minded person

It Ryan: I thought about a lot about what you have said and it is fine you don't want to date me or anything, But by some of your actions and what I could hear your voice after your journey with your partner it made me feel like I don't deserved to be loved by another man and that I don't deserve friendship of human beings because I am simply bipolar. I saw how you simply will not except any im's because I am bipolar and I found that quite interesting. As gay men we struggle with our identity and how to be equal in society and we are denied a variety of social aspects and respects of our society. I also have a brother that is bipolar and I went through hell when I was growing up so I know what it is like to see the same things as you the destruction, pain, negativity,threats. That is to me a double standard you are showing predujust to me simply because you don't want another human being as a friend just because they are bipolar. You are doing the same thing to me as if I had aids and it was contracted even the thought if you touched someone in the 80's, You cant be there friend because you might get aids if you are there friends or you touch them that what you are doing to me. You can totally have me as a friend and that all and we can enjoy the simple pleasures of being each other friends we have simple common interest and that all I would like nothing more.

Nam-Myo-Range-kyo

the truth about trust in my life and my desires

I am so scared to venture on my life, I am scared because for once I am taking things slow, so slow, I been hurt so many time by so many guys. He is established in life. He makes me laugh and want more of his essence everyday in life. Every time I am around him he makes me smile, Handsome Rob excepts me for me. You know I am still getting to know him but he makes me glow. Trust:Firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing. Custody; care. Something committed into the care of another; charge. Sometimes I am wondering if any guy has been true to me in my life. I am so scared,Scared of being in competition with someone else while talking to man and being in the interview process and he still needs to feel how firm the ground is for the person and there essence of life and there convictions. I think why I have problems with trust is I have been burned, or always put aside as the defeated player.I was disapointed and hurt, I thought I was getting pushed aside. Is it so bad for me to look for the flocks of golden ambers lust of love. to see ways of life with a man that is looking for a man secure enought to be able to love and be loved ,somewone who enjoys life, good company, energetic, willing to work hard at communication and other aspects of building and maintaining a relationship a guy who enjoys (plenty of)lovemaking rather than just sex; passionate and compassionate. someone who is thoughtful and caring, because I want someone I can share my life with and someone to build our history together. Is that so much to ask for in life. All I know I want to be with a man that I want to make passionate love too and it is killing me in some ways that my soul is not fully liberated in a full encompised cirle. My soul is entraped in a prision and no one else is in existance for my dying craving for sexual passion with a man at the same time and I want it, and i dont want to desire it or share it with just anyone. If I share my the sexual desire with just anyone the end result will be the darkness of karma the side which will fury of darkness for millions of years and the end result of no escape of that frame of mind.The passion that happen one nite which is to fully give myself my body, mind and my essence of life. I want liberate my sexual freedom. I am dying every time my desires come out of me but I hold back, I hold back the frustration, the will, the power, the seduction of what every man desires which is to take a way the one thing that is held in highest regards that when it rains the body can not reblossom this very vessel of life that has been given to us and that is our virginity.

Nam-Myo-Range-Kyo

A momental Labor day weekend about life and death

This labor day weekend is a momental weekend in history of america, Our Supreme Court Chief Justice William H. Rehnquist died on saturday, A major event in the america history where nations of capitialism, socialism, communism especially cuba to poor its essence of humanity to a tragedy that has 10,000 people dead and where the united state is running a city so dear to my heart like a refuge nation. This is something so dear to my heart were going down there and hearing about this kills my soul to hear a momental historic city being distroyed. Some would say that this is an act of god that this was his plan to reak chaos,Widespread destruction and devastation to church going religious god loving people of all different faiths, beliefs and all having diversity of different religious beliefs but having one common factor in life believeing in the touch of the heavens and a greater power that gave us life and now many taken but those who are the essencess that have the passion to live and fought through torment of purotory, will be united as one by the hands of the inoccent humanitarian strangers who are showing a guiding light of compassion so let us all ignite the light that will show us the way to humanity.

Let the Court Chief Justice William H. Rehnquist,let him be guided by the hand that guided his morals and convictions in life to his god may he rest in the santuary of god and not struggle for the surivial of his essence in his scuptural body that carried his essence from his birth, to his death and let it carry him to his god were we will decide his fate of his rebirth, Many may not of liked Court Chief Justice William H. Rehnquist, for his morals,beliefs, and convictions in life. His views were on the moral premise of his conservitism, But many must understand what guided his moral ground for his life was the foundation and the molding of this very man's life from his family's religious views, his grounding of his era, his education. He was from an era of major christian values and had many predujust in society at that time. But he was a man of diginity and strength and that what kept him living. As a gay man many of you would say I am crazy but as a humanitairin I am writing this, because the essence of living is about compassion and conviction in life.

There was also a momental event in my life this weekend, a pass friend from high school roger g, saw me on his motorcycle to a party which was about a bunch of red necks at this party. I went to see into the eye of this people to show that I was not afraid of them anymore and I did. I had a great time up until one the assholes started talking about me like I was not there to everyone telling me that I was gay right in front of face to nobodies in my life, It was hurtful, It was like the scene in sweet home alambama were the guy asked does it matter if he is gay or not and they so no well to roger it doesn't matter but to complete bullies that are assholes they needed to talk right in front of me and talk about me like I was not there. I wish I had the strength to tell them I was but, It was better to walk away to not give them the satisfaction of them knowing for sure.

Nam-Myo-Range-Kyo

Meet And Greet Today!!!!!!! On 8/24/05

Today was a Meet and Greet with Big R,I will call him, we started being chatty cathy on the phone on 8/22/05. Every guy I gone on a date with or been with have been wrong for me, Just due to Karma, I guess. But today I feel like I found someone that now gives me a general Idea what I want in a person and I feel like I am getting closer to the one in the world, that makes me glow and feel good in general, right now it is getting closer with different guys that I meet and that is one of the most amazing things. Today Big R, he made me laugh and hanged out, at the same time I put my guard down in general which was great when we ordered soda today at the restaurant, He ordered a coke, and I ordered a root beer, I thought he was going to order a diet coke and I thought was going to have to the do same, and pertend to myself and him that was on a diet but I didn't and excepted me for me. Today my essence bloomed of life again and that hasn't arise distant time. I am always jumping first in the water and I am not going to do that with anyone anymore. There is so much in this world you need to know about someone that you are meeting and hangingout with dating:
A promise or agreement to be at a particular place at a particular time. It is also a interviewing process to see if you are truely compatiable with someone, that is the true beauty about life seeing the true essence of life in someone. A true compontent of life is the balance of two people, listing, learning,& seeing them for them. If you listen to that person song of the life and what they been through you can see how to see the true ying & yang and if there is a balance and interest to invest in what could be.
I learned about being impulsive has hurt me in my past journey's. I am going to strive to be myself and live I am able to be myself and I haven't been able to talk with guys over the phone and be myself. This is my life and I going to love it to the fullest through slumps and the lusters of golden lillies in my life that bloom from my ever lasting glow of my essence. I am going to dream in the orchard fields of chating of ageless wisdom, knowledge and compassion tonight.

Nam-Myo-Range-Kyo