being Proud and destroying yourself within

I am not working Hard, I never really had too! Life is now hitting me hard, in a global perspective. I miss Kyan so much with my heart. He got to me, I know i am not the greatest catch in life but i do deserve happiness. I never felt proud of myself nor of my accomplishments in life. I have been put down most of my life by getting yelled at or told I Cant do it. I am so sick of all that bullshit in my life. I am destroying myself within and not caring nor self loving myself. I have so much potential one of the bishops of hartford said at my confermation the final stage in the catholic church which marks you as an adult. What makes you an adult is your maturity and work ethic and life experience. The world of colors fade and what faces you is reality. The beauty of our life is how we approach it and make it work for us. I am destroying my life by sleeping it away. I was in such a bad place two years ago. I hurt kyan when I left. He went all over the world and I went to home because I got sick. The beauty is that I have to work harder and be more willing to work so I am good at what I do. I have to want it and not destroy what I want so bad and I am. I used to have a state of grace in which I had it was so beatiful and wonderful I was able of doing it all, I am in a place were I dont have that anymore, All it took was a look, a process, a beauty in which I was able to make people believe or decive them. I cant find it anymore I am on this train, that has no direction or cause right now that is always running away from a destroyed, painful house in which one man, my father has been the aggressor in the hole circle of things which have made it more painful for me. My sister is a plain bitch that says I deserve to be put down because my father shelled out alot of money on me, and pain at the same time. At that time what I need still is bounderies and limitations and knowing that they will fallow through with them. But at the same time he is trying to change me more by dressing more like him and looking more the part of him. Which I will never will or shall. If I could change some of the things in my dna I would, I Would change everyone of them. But I cant But Now I have to learn how to be in control of my life and my destinyw towards and how do that All I am doing now is learning is how to do it now with my shrink!! THE shadows of my past is all I have to explain my wrong decisions and I can only learn from them!

Nam-Myo-Range-KYO