we@r!

Sopshicated style in my life

2005-10-30T20:38:00.000-10:00

I feel as if I scared to design, one because of my fathers words of wisdom now six years ago and that was the fact that one u will be labled a queer and two, business there is always needs for jobs. I think more importantly being bipolar this year and finding out I am ADHD, going down the first time and faling at it, and then again faling at it because of my everyday life and what I struggle with. I scared to design because I am scared of failure in my life I am scared to live on my own again and having a relaps in my life because I could not handle the pressure of graduate school @ that time and place in my life. I have to take that leap of faith but I am scared, scared so much it hurts when I gasp for air, Maybe my father was that I would be a failure at it and that there was so much competition for it and I was not cut out for it, But I think I am talented and I feel if I have confidence in me I will be fine in my life. I take responisblity for what has happen to me this year. I am scared most of all because how do I know I will not be a failure when I leave the nest in my life that I am so continueously return to in my life. My entire I have always wanted to make beauty out of nothing and I still do but I am scared scared to fall flat out on the ground and no way of picking myself up from the mess that could happen and it scares me to death, it is general life maintance for me to go to a therapist, take meds, handle the pressure of everyday classes and working, It scares me to death that I will fall on my face.

Nam-Myo-Range-Kyo

Avoidance in one life!!!!!!!

2005-10-20T07:50:00.000-10:00

avoidance:often attributive: the act or practice of keeping away from or withdrawing from something undesirable,reinforced by escape. When I went to savannah, georgia for graduate school I was doing alot of avoiding my creditors, my responsbilities, my health, So last week I filled for bankruptcy, I had no choice, I was up agains a fucking wall in which this was a last resort in my life, This was my only way for progression and to move on in my endless journey in the present and my future. Sara, My therapist has been using maslows theory of higher archy to use as my form of therapy model, for my treatment of therapy. Every week we joke about about all the gay men in the northwest corner of Connecticut and how she should have a happy hour/social get together to get all the gay men with baggage together to see if any of us are compatible with eachother for life partners. I finally been through all my trials in life so far, But there is one person I do still miss deeply in my heart and soul and that is carter, as I said before I can stand on my own too feet, I wish I could find someone like him to enter into my spirit and soul in my life.

Avoidance for me, I doing everything I want, and not doing proper planning. Planning is the key to one life and what one must do in order to be successful in ones life. I have been advoiding the proper successful steps in my life in order to move on. I am finally working on the weight, I have tried and tried to the ends of the earth and I dont find this as a one time solution but away to work towards the goal and strip me of the chains that have been holding my essence, my vessel of life down in a prison and my health. We must face every part of our life face to face or we will never move forward to success in ones life. For me doing everything I want is at that current time and moment and not the necessary things that need to get done inorder to be success for me.

Rosa Parks,said: "I am leaving this legacy to all of you ... to bring peace, justice, equality, love and a fulfillment of what our lives should be. Without vision, the people will perish, and without courage and inspiration, dreams will die -- the dream of freedom and peace." Her convictions and morals out this statement was for every american in life for equality, and not be denied equal rights if Rosa Parks advoided the situation and moved there would not be equality, and there would be segreation to this very day and time. But there is still segregation towards gay people, because we choose to love partners of the same sex, It is not normal some may say from the right wing christians, But was it normal for the mormens to have mutiple wives in the past yes, but why cant there be equality because it is one simple thing this very country was based on christian belief, also everything is about interupting about laws, society and government.

Nam-Myo-Range-Kyo

Karma Of Past and Present!

2005-10-19T18:34:00.000-10:00

Today was a conversation of persistance:The state or quality of being persistent; persistency or progression in ones life. As I went into the city today, I remember a time and place that I was down and I was miserable, Because I was raped, I lost of a montary possessions, and endangerment to myself. I was a at a place and a time were I was put in rapture of ciagos in my life. I went to a buddhist temple today and I chanted for those who deal with pain on a daily bases and are not one within themselves. My fortune from the buddhist temple states: My probability of sucess is good, My pairing was done before words, My fruits of my progression are flown in by iron birds, as they are flown in I await there until there everlasting glow of their full potential, Somehow, somewhere, you"ll be well know. Progression for me was about me, me alone embarking on a journey of past demons, having to be in total darkness in the mist of a storm and no never ending to it in anyway or form, I had to let the love of my parents to guide me, and show me the love of guidance and embundance, it was the guiding migration of my life in there hands and not letting me go and showing that my soul was too beatiful for so much suffering in one life, release my wings and fly little one onto everlasting happiness and escape your never ending suffering in your life that you have suffered so far in your journey of your past, In which so far I feel that I have being 24 @ 1:40 am in the morning.

Today I saw apart of my past, in flash to the end of my day before I left NYC, When I was walking to the train station to take the outgoing train, to Connecticut, I saw my two former favorite residents, When I was a Resident Assistant in college, I did not know what the results of my labor and passion with higher education at the time of my senior year in college would be? Until this very day and time. Today I saw two grown young men embarking on ways they need to live out their lives for now before the next stage of their progression on there endless journey in life, Today I saw progression within these two young men and I also saw falws in these young men that with the essence of time can be overcomed on their endless journey in life.

Nam-Myo-Range-Kyo.

pride and predujust in a letter to the human mind of a close minded person

2005-10-04T08:43:00.000-10:00

It Ryan: I thought about a lot about what you have said and it is fine you don't want to date me or anything, But by some of your actions and what I could hear your voice after your journey with your partner it made me feel like I don't deserved to be loved by another man and that I don't deserve friendship of human beings because I am simply bipolar. I saw how you simply will not except any im's because I am bipolar and I found that quite interesting. As gay men we struggle with our identity and how to be equal in society and we are denied a variety of social aspects and respects of our society. I also have a brother that is bipolar and I went through hell when I was growing up so I know what it is like to see the same things as you the destruction, pain, negativity,threats. That is to me a double standard you are showing predujust to me simply because you don't want another human being as a friend just because they are bipolar. You are doing the same thing to me as if I had aids and it was contracted even the thought if you touched someone in the 80's, You cant be there friend because you might get aids if you are there friends or you touch them that what you are doing to me. You can totally have me as a friend and that all and we can enjoy the simple pleasures of being each other friends we have simple common interest and that all I would like nothing more.

Nam-Myo-Range-kyo

the truth about trust in my life and my desires

2005-09-08T20:08:00.000-10:00

I am so scared to venture on my life, I am scared because for once I am taking things slow, so slow, I been hurt so many time by so many guys. He is established in life. He makes me laugh and want more of his essence everyday in life. Every time I am around him he makes me smile, Handsome Rob excepts me for me. You know I am still getting to know him but he makes me glow. Trust:Firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing. Custody; care. Something committed into the care of another; charge. Sometimes I am wondering if any guy has been true to me in my life. I am so scared,Scared of being in competition with someone else while talking to man and being in the interview process and he still needs to feel how firm the ground is for the person and there essence of life and there convictions. I think why I have problems with trust is I have been burned, or always put aside as the defeated player.I was disapointed and hurt, I thought I was getting pushed aside. Is it so bad for me to look for the flocks of golden ambers lust of love. to see ways of life with a man that is looking for a man secure enought to be able to love and be loved ,somewone who enjoys life, good company, energetic, willing to work hard at communication and other aspects of building and maintaining a relationship a guy who enjoys (plenty of)lovemaking rather than just sex; passionate and compassionate. someone who is thoughtful and caring, because I want someone I can share my life with and someone to build our history together. Is that so much to ask for in life. All I know I want to be with a man that I want to make passionate love too and it is killing me in some ways that my soul is not fully liberated in a full encompised cirle. My soul is entraped in a prision and no one else is in existance for my dying craving for sexual passion with a man at the same time and I want it, and i dont want to desire it or share it with just anyone. If I share my the sexual desire with just anyone the end result will be the darkness of karma the side which will fury of darkness for millions of years and the end result of no escape of that frame of mind.The passion that happen one nite which is to fully give myself my body, mind and my essence of life. I want liberate my sexual freedom. I am dying every time my desires come out of me but I hold back, I hold back the frustration, the will, the power, the seduction of what every man desires which is to take a way the one thing that is held in highest regards that when it rains the body can not reblossom this very vessel of life that has been given to us and that is our virginity.

Nam-Myo-Range-Kyo

A momental Labor day weekend about life and death

2005-09-05T18:21:00.000-10:00

This labor day weekend is a momental weekend in history of america, Our Supreme Court Chief Justice William H. Rehnquist died on saturday, A major event in the america history where nations of capitialism, socialism, communism especially cuba to poor its essence of humanity to a tragedy that has 10,000 people dead and where the united state is running a city so dear to my heart like a refuge nation. This is something so dear to my heart were going down there and hearing about this kills my soul to hear a momental historic city being distroyed. Some would say that this is an act of god that this was his plan to reak chaos,Widespread destruction and devastation to church going religious god loving people of all different faiths, beliefs and all having diversity of different religious beliefs but having one common factor in life believeing in the touch of the heavens and a greater power that gave us life and now many taken but those who are the essencess that have the passion to live and fought through torment of purotory, will be united as one by the hands of the inoccent humanitarian strangers who are showing a guiding light of compassion so let us all ignite the light that will show us the way to humanity.

Let the Court Chief Justice William H. Rehnquist,let him be guided by the hand that guided his morals and convictions in life to his god may he rest in the santuary of god and not struggle for the surivial of his essence in his scuptural body that carried his essence from his birth, to his death and let it carry him to his god were we will decide his fate of his rebirth, Many may not of liked Court Chief Justice William H. Rehnquist, for his morals,beliefs, and convictions in life. His views were on the moral premise of his conservitism, But many must understand what guided his moral ground for his life was the foundation and the molding of this very man's life from his family's religious views, his grounding of his era, his education. He was from an era of major christian values and had many predujust in society at that time. But he was a man of diginity and strength and that what kept him living. As a gay man many of you would say I am crazy but as a humanitairin I am writing this, because the essence of living is about compassion and conviction in life.

There was also a momental event in my life this weekend, a pass friend from high school roger g, saw me on his motorcycle to a party which was about a bunch of red necks at this party. I went to see into the eye of this people to show that I was not afraid of them anymore and I did. I had a great time up until one the assholes started talking about me like I was not there to everyone telling me that I was gay right in front of face to nobodies in my life, It was hurtful, It was like the scene in sweet home alambama were the guy asked does it matter if he is gay or not and they so no well to roger it doesn't matter but to complete bullies that are assholes they needed to talk right in front of me and talk about me like I was not there. I wish I had the strength to tell them I was but, It was better to walk away to not give them the satisfaction of them knowing for sure.

Nam-Myo-Range-Kyo

Meet And Greet Today!!!!!!! On 8/24/05

2005-08-24T15:25:00.000-10:00

Today was a Meet and Greet with Big R,I will call him, we started being chatty cathy on the phone on 8/22/05. Every guy I gone on a date with or been with have been wrong for me, Just due to Karma, I guess. But today I feel like I found someone that now gives me a general Idea what I want in a person and I feel like I am getting closer to the one in the world, that makes me glow and feel good in general, right now it is getting closer with different guys that I meet and that is one of the most amazing things. Today Big R, he made me laugh and hanged out, at the same time I put my guard down in general which was great when we ordered soda today at the restaurant, He ordered a coke, and I ordered a root beer, I thought he was going to order a diet coke and I thought was going to have to the do same, and pertend to myself and him that was on a diet but I didn't and excepted me for me. Today my essence bloomed of life again and that hasn't arise distant time. I am always jumping first in the water and I am not going to do that with anyone anymore. There is so much in this world you need to know about someone that you are meeting and hangingout with dating:
A promise or agreement to be at a particular place at a particular time. It is also a interviewing process to see if you are truely compatiable with someone, that is the true beauty about life seeing the true essence of life in someone. A true compontent of life is the balance of two people, listing, learning,& seeing them for them. If you listen to that person song of the life and what they been through you can see how to see the true ying & yang and if there is a balance and interest to invest in what could be.
I learned about being impulsive has hurt me in my past journey's. I am going to strive to be myself and live I am able to be myself and I haven't been able to talk with guys over the phone and be myself. This is my life and I going to love it to the fullest through slumps and the lusters of golden lillies in my life that bloom from my ever lasting glow of my essence. I am going to dream in the orchard fields of chating of ageless wisdom, knowledge and compassion tonight.

Nam-Myo-Range-Kyo

A Past Karmic Cycle is finally at peace is within me!

2005-08-23T19:19:00.000-10:00

Dear Ryan,Europe was a blast, turning 21 is never a bad thing(i got back from Europe on my birthday so that was cool), while I was in the south of France for the majority of my trip I did manage to squeeze in Paris twice and Amsterdam and Italy(Florence), and the summer job I had anticipated fell through at the last minute, but I ended up getting a job at an entirely different camp just down the street from my parents home which has been very rewarding. I humbly accept your non-necessary apology. We are all mature individuals whose lives take turns and spiral up and down as often as the air around us does. Im glad you found our interactions to be a potent learning experience and I hope you have used those lessons to strengthen your own soul. Please bring compassion and understanding into your life with every breath and release old demons with every exhale and I know you will succeed at all you put your focus towards, be that in the material, emotional or spiritual realms. I am honored you hold me in such high reguard, but I am but that which I am, as you are but that which you are. Breathe deep and seek peace my friend, and the best of luck to you in the upcoming term and beyond. See you around campusNamaste,Carter

We can only look back at past and learn from it, My Apology to Carter

2005-08-04T17:14:00.000-10:00

Dear Carter/kyan: I wanted to see how France was first off? Second how was your birthday on June second, So happy birthday. Third was did you go exploring all around Europe and forth how is the camp you are teaching at this summer?

Levar, I owe you a huge apology on how I acted right before I left, it was unusual behavior and very unhealthy, I was living in the moment, Yes I was, This Year for me was a journey of hardships in many ways It is time I had to Face my reflection in the mirror . that why I to go home to work on me this taxi driver was right about a lot of stuff that you cant hide, you cant run away from your problems, I had to deal with them heads on I could not hide behind a stone you cant hide in between the walls of bricks and just listen to others as they detour your life for you, Look I wanted to tell you why I was going home in the computer room so many times and at the same time my actions were very unhealthy, It was because I was bipolar, and I couldn't function even with the help of the med's and then I regret the first night before we when sushi Zen because I was living in the moment and making plans and shit in bed together fuck that must of been fucking nuts for you that was before I came home and I found that out that I had adhd and bipolar.And now I am health as a horse again.

I don't regret us going to bed together, and I don't regret us going out to dinner, I do regret that the fact is how it turned into one big mess at the end with the computer room. Look I am not looking to date or anything with you because I would like to have you as an amazing friend than anything else and nothing more either. I also know that you have moved on by now, and so have I. You are an amazing man Carter, You taught me so many things in one week, and those lessons were 1.) To be there and be truly intimate with another man is the most beautiful thing in this world. you taught me that life has to be a process of learning and having that experience and see were it goes from there. honesty is the best process in life it allows you to open yourself fully and your heart and not be a fake. Look all I am saying what I learned from you and to give you an apology and that all and I wanted to write to you these two quotes and that it and sorry this turned out to be a book didn't mean too. So here are the quotes: there Buddhist ones:

You should not seek an easy, comfortable path. No one develops in a pampered environment. Youth should instead actively seek out challenges and hardships, transforming them all into valuable assets as they strive to become individuals of outstanding character and ability. second one next

Vital are wisdom, tenacity and self expression, as well as the strong life force that makes these things possible.

Ciao
Ryan

Letting go and taking responsiblity,

2005-07-31T18:02:00.000-10:00

Letting go of certain people, certain past events is like closing a chapter of your life which it is in so many ways In which one cannot define in life. Today this very day I am taking resposibility for slaughtering my life down in savannah, I cannot blame my bipolar disorder, I cannot blame my ADHD. I need to take responsiblity the reason why for that I needed to be in control of my finances, I needed to show an illusion to my parents, my family, and myself that I could balance a check book, school, finding a job, and my health, and my learning disablities all at the same time. But the truth is I could of had help, I could of reached for it and I didnt. I destroyed something that maybe could of happen with carter, his former name was kyan. It was my impulse, something I didnt have control over something, that I didnt know yes I am angry frustrated about this but one said to me it is better to hit the darkness at 24 than at 45 when you are starting to retire and that is true. I believe in what comes around goes around. I believe in karma. I know by me watching this show you believe that I am a true fagot but Queer AS Folk has made me grow and learn from that show about what it is like to be gay and as an adult.
My father is one of the most hard ass parents that a person could have but he has been there everytime I have fallen and he has help me get up at the same time.

Everday my father makes me a better man, He helps me take responisblity for who I am and what I am becoming. He is real as they come even with his roman catholic beliefs he is a man of honest, courage, poetic visions for his children. He believes that we can all move forward and cant move backwards. The day my sister had open heart surgery this very man made a vow with his god, his higher power, that if god protected his little girl, this very innocent life. that he would go to church three times a week and you know what he has and now he has to see his little girls daughter go through the same thing and that most be the most diffecult thing for this man.
What I am trying to say is that this very man has helped through some of my worst demons and this year has been some of my worst demons I have ever seen in my life. He and my mother inpower me every day to get up and try to make something of myself and it is because of them that makes me move forward and live up to what I can be right now, it may not be my full potential but it is enough for me to move forward in my life until I can uptain my full potential in my life. I have learned that this past couple of months that my father has been right about so much stuff and I said no but he was.

Nam-Myo-Range-Kyo

being Proud and destroying yourself within

2005-06-09T17:04:00.000-10:00

I am not working Hard, I never really had too! Life is now hitting me hard, in a global perspective. I miss Kyan so much with my heart. He got to me, I know i am not the greatest catch in life but i do deserve happiness. I never felt proud of myself nor of my accomplishments in life. I have been put down most of my life by getting yelled at or told I Cant do it. I am so sick of all that bullshit in my life. I am destroying myself within and not caring nor self loving myself. I have so much potential one of the bishops of hartford said at my confermation the final stage in the catholic church which marks you as an adult. What makes you an adult is your maturity and work ethic and life experience. The world of colors fade and what faces you is reality. The beauty of our life is how we approach it and make it work for us. I am destroying my life by sleeping it away. I was in such a bad place two years ago. I hurt kyan when I left. He went all over the world and I went to home because I got sick. The beauty is that I have to work harder and be more willing to work so I am good at what I do. I have to want it and not destroy what I want so bad and I am. I used to have a state of grace in which I had it was so beatiful and wonderful I was able of doing it all, I am in a place were I dont have that anymore, All it took was a look, a process, a beauty in which I was able to make people believe or decive them. I cant find it anymore I am on this train, that has no direction or cause right now that is always running away from a destroyed, painful house in which one man, my father has been the aggressor in the hole circle of things which have made it more painful for me. My sister is a plain bitch that says I deserve to be put down because my father shelled out alot of money on me, and pain at the same time. At that time what I need still is bounderies and limitations and knowing that they will fallow through with them. But at the same time he is trying to change me more by dressing more like him and looking more the part of him. Which I will never will or shall. If I could change some of the things in my dna I would, I Would change everyone of them. But I cant But Now I have to learn how to be in control of my life and my destinyw towards and how do that All I am doing now is learning is how to do it now with my shrink!! THE shadows of my past is all I have to explain my wrong decisions and I can only learn from them!

Nam-Myo-Range-KYO

The instablity of my life

2005-05-15T08:54:00.000-10:00

When you dont know it and you are in the room, watching Tv, that episode going on can speak volumes and make it a mile stone in what going on in your life. When I left scad, I gave up because I wasnt hungry for it, I didnt want it bad enough, How does one want it bad enough? How does one become hungry for it? I was allway a fighter, If you told me I couldnt do something, I was like fuck you, I know I can learn it or do it! and now I just run when the going gets tuffer and tuffer and tell myself I cant do it. I feel as if I need stablity, and that why I feel like I come home, because I know each day what can happen and what were going to do and how it going to be! That why I come home also. Tell you the truth I love connecticut, I love the house we own and I love were it is located and how it looks I Love the seasons and how they change but at the same time I need to get my education before I start settling down. I dont know anymore.

Nam-Myo-Range-Kyo

Fucking up and not Cant take it back

2005-05-12T17:00:00.000-10:00

We can only move forward and not look back, I have done something so drastic and something I am a prisoner of my own demise in life. What do I do I ask myself? I ask why do I do the things that are so self loathing and killing my harmonic spirit, When I had left I was at the mercy of buddha touch: Meaning that everything in my life was universally complete, I had entered for the trail of my life and answered that trail and was judged by my god he was the judge and the jury and decided that I was universally complete. HE had set my stage and I was his play and I answered to the objective and went beyond it and made it a beatiful blossoming of life. And now I corrputed everything I saw after the devils touch of the big city for a weekend of fun. I was in the devils play ground and that what got me into trouble. I went five hundred steps backwards, and now I have to have the strength of a million soliders to come and universally put myself back together. The spirit of buddha is something that we have to believe in, There is a ying and a yang in my life. Every day I wake up I have to push myself to move forward and met just one objective trying to bring the dog out or do some work on my portofilo just something. MY life was crushed one time I can put it back together again I am like the pheonix bird I rise out of the ashes over and over again and I will become the bird that come out of pure nothing once again. And have the heart and the spirit of buddha again.

Nam-Myo-Range-Kyo

Sometimes we all need to revaluate ourselfs

2005-04-19T18:10:00.000-10:00

Sometimes We need to revaluate and find out whom we are, I can tell you it has made me more stronger and shown me more about growth, I can tell you I so happy currently in my life, I learned alot from my journey the objection of my life, and that was to balance myself and find out that I can be strong and i learned that I have adhd and social anxiety, But i can tell you what I am trying to do is metamorphise myself into something more each day make my work better as an artist and we you try to plan your journey it doesnt always happen that way. I can tell you that much. I think we all need to revaluate ourselfs at somepoint in our lifes. I can also tell you this that I do miss kyan very much. And i am having fun and I am finding new things out about myself and what i am about. I have metamphorised into a man that takes value and credit for what I am about. I do take value in who I am in and what I am doing, I dont need a boyfriend, I want one, but I dont need one I think we all need to take value and stock in what we are about, So anyways I know I am a wonderful guy and that people have said that before! I think we need to make ourselfs stronger and be nice to people because if we arent then what wrong with us! I have a major in graduate school which is fashion design, that is about competition, a maj0r were people are always talking about one another, a major were the objective is to have one over the next, and that is not good at all! i think the objective in my industry is to love what you do and to be the best you can be at it, and find the best stragetic for you and only for you!. I left school because of my mania and to find out It was the best for me! it time we all get lefted and find our objection in what we are about and make sure we are doing what we can for ourselfs and take care of ourselfs and people we love most first.

nam-myo-range-kyo

Today I feel Refreshed in my life which is awasome

2005-03-07T17:10:00.000-10:00

Today I feel refreshed renewed, The life is back in me. Today Is also My niece birthday, So I totally want to give a shout out to her. I had the best weekend in a long time. It was nice. It was me. I did my thing. I did window shopping and Shit like that. Which was fucking awasome must I tell you. I been through alot of trying moments these past weeks fighting for the best treatment for my manic depressive, It been a hard trying momentum. In my life and I feel satisfied with what is happing and I am happy and I feel fresh and cool and back to myself. Which is awasome. I hope so many people are blessed like I am in my life. Nam-myo-range-kyo

You cant erased anything you have with anyone

2005-02-20T15:26:00.000-10:00

The last couple of weeks have been rough for me as a gay 24 year old male. One of the reasons why is being bipolar and the second blocking my thoughts and sounds of him. I finally hooked up with someone from Northampton this week I dont know if I did that to mend a heart and a soul. I been trying to erase memories, parts of savannah, times with friends. I left savannah so I could better and straighten out my medications and my bipolar eposodes but nothing been going on really I been going to appointments and listening to doctors and what they have to say. Evertime I get an obstacle from my higher power it takes so much out of me to over come it. I am trying to breath, longing to look for my life back and to not be on hold anymore. Every time I Look back I cant ask for that back right now it not far for me. I am trying to get better and every time I breath or look backwards it hurts it hurts to look at what I have and what I dont have now. It hurts to see what I am trying to accomplish and not happening because I know what I am doing is right but it not happening. My therapist is amazing she knows what is in my best interest. I cant change what is happening I cant pretend what is happen. I Feel like I am losing myself and what I want. I feel like I dont deserve to be happy. I Am depressed. I Know who I want to love and it breaks all the rules god had set upon on us. I am not trying to change what is happening but god dame it when I do the dame right thing for once and I am not trying to denie that I am trying to get better. But I want to be victor finally I want to over come my epsoide of bipolar, I always have been at consent war with it. I am trying not have the consent war of a coldness of dark, I Dont know what to do. HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. I tried to start dating also I learn we are human and we have feelings and thoughts and we arent machinesssssssssssssssss.

Nam-myo-range-kyo

Beatiful Disater

2005-02-14T18:37:00.000-10:00

Today is Valentines Day, well I talked to kyan we will call the guy I like back in ga, my heart pounds of life for him, but it just ant right Because he is 20 years old and I dont know what he is after and I cant expect a thing, If I can hold on I will but I cant and I have to move on. He is magic and the magic was in january and it just gives me more damaged to my life and to whom I am. If I could just hold him one last time. I would love to. If I could hold on I would but he is going to france. He has taught me so much in a single heart beat and from that because of him he has made me a better person. When I was on the plane it was I was looking down at what is now my past and because of him I Dont want to stray and because of him I did get hurt and from that I will go back to being myself alone in this world. Floating on a lotus flower and being myself and going from that. And because of him I have learned to love myself and because of him I have learned to value myself and now because of him I am trying to leave myself back on my lotus flower alone alone in this world back to place were I dont and I cant be found. I want to be back in the flowers of the shade of darkness and I want to just focus on my work and go from there.

Nam-Myo-Range-Kyo

My therapist said I fell in Love

2005-02-07T13:27:00.000-10:00

My therapist said I fell in Love, meaning=1 a (1) : strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties (2) : attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers (3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests b : an assurance of love 2 : warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion 3 a : the object of attachment, devotion, or admiration 1 a (1) : strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties (2) : attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers (3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests b : an assurance of love 2 : warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion 3 a : the object of attachment, devotion, or admiration b (1) : a beloved person : DARLING -- often used as a term of endearment. I am trying, to numb the pain i feel that piereces me, I am currently in between to decide, decide to try and see if me and that young man can be friends. There is so much I have been reflecting on in my life these past couple of weeks. You know everyone is asking me if I gave him my email or my cell phone I never did. He is so real and true to whom he is and that is what I like most about him, And everytime I see him he makes me glow. He makes me feel real and true to whom I am. He makes my heart fell blind and makes the subject matter he offers me universally unique. I cant plan anything that would be rushing into things and the matter of that is I dont want to. For now if I cant have anything else with him then friends is fine for me. Life is about compremise in life. My soul may want more but that is human nature. To just sit with him and convers about life. He raises me up to be a better person. He makes me to want more in life. To make myself have more abitions and goals in my life. He makes me want to make a difference with the world and my work as an artist. My soul maybe down and my heart maybe burned but I know, what I want and that is to sit and convers about life and learn about him and what he offers the world.

Nam-Myo-Range-Kyo

Northers Yankee Gay Society/Souther Confederate Gay Society

2005-02-06T08:25:00.000-10:00

I went to a gay bar in Providence, Rode Island last nite, things are totally different than the south in the gay community. At the Gay clubs up north not only not really friendly but they have only one common thread one common bond for them and that is sexual liberation of life. The Gay society up north you go to a gay bar they are all about beauty on the outside like how perfect are you and how beatiful of what you look like. What else I hate is they are all clones, meaning Black shoes, jeans and a long dress shirt of some sort or abercrombie kind of gay guy. I was bord, bord because there so much more to life, Than going to the gay bars every saturday, It the same people and trying for them to be comfortable being a homosexual. Being a homosexual is just one part of whom you are. And not about what you are in life. I guess being 24 I have become A young man that is an adult. That is what my therapist says. I am not going to look for love, or for beauty in a club. I will look at guys and go up to them and complement them on there looks but I wont look for love, and I am looking for a mature person. But the one thing I do hate in the gay bars up north no one will give you a chance,no one will talk to you, they will look at you if you are like a beautiful piece of china and that is all. The radiance of our lives isnt on the outside but is what the soul looks like when it glows of life, intellectual, Love and compassion,

Nam-Myo-Range-Kyo

A life My DNA Chose For Me By a higher power

2005-02-02T18:32:00.000-10:00

Gentics and A higher Power put me in the family I am in. However the Young man I would turn out to be that was society and My parents lifestyle. Many people wouldnt understand how a son or daughter would reflect there parents and there lifestyle. But what I do and how I do it does especially in public. Even at a local restaurant you see people that know my parents and what they do. Sometimes I can get angry but I understand what it is ment to be who I am and what comes with the territory of my life. I can choose to play the game and have the waters smooth if I play the in the big leagues or I can totally go against the grain and have it rough. I like the authority and power and what comes playing in the big leagues. And using my trump Card. I Love having expensive things and doing what I do. No one question me or what I know. Neither do they hate me they except me and once they relize who I am and what I do. That is the best Part. But in the town in CT, is very gossipy and all knowing and I hate that. When I came home from Savannah, GA The waitresses Assummed when I had my earing put in my ear on the 11th, of January that a friend did it and that why it got infected well that not what happen. People also Assume certain things. They always I thought I didnt wanted to leave home well I did. I took time from School because I needed it. I needed time to relax and be me and have just a good time and enjoy it and all it offers it. School Will start back up in March after St. Patricks day. And that A good time to start school again and I will go in the summer that fine also Too. And Everything will be fine and I will do what I normally do and just go to school in the summer and hangout and chill It is like work and that fine. For me I am trying to refocus myself and what I do. I am trying to make no more mistakes in my life and I am not going to apologize to anyone except but to my parents for some of my actions. And what I have done in the past but I have changed into a more mature Aiden, A more mature indiviual that relizes that there are conques in my life which have paid dearly these past weeks at the same time I have changed into a more elegant Aiden, More star quality kind of man in which people like and that good. And that what I like about it. Nam-Myo-Range-Kyo

No Easy Way to say goodbye for now

2005-01-27T17:58:00.000-10:00

There was no easy way to say goodbye the deed was done before I met that young man. As I left I have to was singing to myself one of seals new songs. There was no way to say goodbye to savannah and what it offered me. Going home I thought I would be ok. I all I can is hope that Is the faith I lost in that indiviual who I feel head over heals liking for will be able to give me a second chance at something if he is single when I see him again? Right now I am looking for some form of a state of grace and find peace with the decision decided to do. It was not the easiest decision to come back home to my sanctuary. All I can hope is the next time is that I see that guy who 20 years old down in savannah is he will listen, learn, and have an open heart to why I did what I did. All I wanted was to do was to put some light on my life and fix the mistakes that are currently making me weak. As I took flight on monday, was look at the ground at the past reflections of my week. A week of beauty and passion in my life. As I am in my sanctuary I am looking for stuff to do and I am bord I want to be active and find life and I want to embrace it fully and I cant. I am craving fashion more than anything. I am looking for the right answer of why I did what I did at this current present time in my life? But as my mother said it was to put light on things you been running from. It is time I Face them directly in my reflection and ask them for why I done what I did in the past and why I did what I did? only my reflection will know my answers and the only way I can ask them is if I face them in the mirror of my present time at were I am at in my life. There was and is no way to say goodbye to the people you love most in this world. For now I am closing my heart and my eyes until someone steals them from me. I wont be looking for love or passion in my life, this way it is so much easier in my life. Caroline, Elizabeth, Becca, and Paige, I miss you guys down in Savannah.

Nam-myo-range-kyo

A Conversation With A wisdom Of Reflection

2005-01-26T17:46:00.000-10:00

Tonite I had a Conversation Of wisdom that is truely my reflection: That is my Father, a man that would have represented the bull and I would of been the Bull fighter in my life. My father, Has a very High profile Job Not in Georgia, But Somewhere in the New england States. I told him: When you are the child of a very high profiled person In your community. You cant have your dirty laundry soiled out in public, Not only does it represent the person in your family with high profile status Que but you as the child of the high profiled Parent have a status que in your society that is equal to your parent. And you represent everything that parent does and everything and anything you do not only reflects you but also upon the parent and upon what there mark is from you on society. My father said I was right when I used to have this argument with him he said it didnt matter but now that I am 24, a young grown man he said I was right. He goes Aiden there are two important things about representing yourself on society: 1:) Your Reputation in your High society profile in your community or society. 2:) Your credit rating, with todays Jobmarket and workplace they are allowed to look at your credit rating, also if you want a good house or a car down the road. Everything He said Was right, for once me and my father conversation turned out to be an = meaning that we agreed both were right and that I was right that I have a high profiled status in my community and that I have done the right things to hide certain health problems and dirty laundry that could be the gossip because of what my father does for work and how it could reflect on both of us.I didnt choose to be whom I am or was born to my family or have certain health issues. It is what it is and both my parents and I have learned to accept certain things. My father even joked about a gay joke I made about myself and someone I saw. He goes look who talking he never done that before. The meaning of Appearences:ap·pear·ance Pronunciation: &-'pir-&n(t)sFunction: noun1 a : external show : SEMBLANCE b : outward aspect : LOOK c plural : outward indication 2 a : a sense impression or aspect of a thing b : the world of sensible phenomena3 a : the act, action, or process of appearing . Sometimes in society We are pressured to do things we have to and that to put up smoke and mirrors even though we dont want to but it is necessary. But in my case I love it all feeling it, In away I am a northern debutant but in a gay guy form. The parents house, The car, the society approval of knowing every one and acting it. Wearing leather and understanding Art and society and high rolling power players in my society and community. Even though we act it and do it. There are those who dont act it because those are the millionares. But Still when you have a High powered job It gives you the opposites and that is to be looked upon by society and they ask and you only give so much for there curiosity. Or there curiosity will not only skin you alive but it will seduce you and kill there vision, there dream, and what you want them to think of you. I am not all about material things in this life believe me that not what life about there are many other things as I write I give you a thought or a conversation so you the viewer can see me raw and true and not invisible.
Nam-Myo-Range-Kyo

Conversation with Old southern Taxi driver

2005-01-24T17:35:00.000-10:00

Today my day started at 11:40, I went to go get something to eat @ the cafe on campus in savannah. Then I got everything out of my place and called the taxi, Well the drive was wisdom in himself, his name was douglas, We talked, He said you werent ready for graduate school and He was right for now. He said Life is harsh and it is reality in itself and he was right. Then I told him about the situation on saturday and how I had a breatherlizer test and I passed with flying colors in itself. Then We talked about the young man in my life this past week! He said why you leaving if everything is right, if you have similar interest, you like him and he like you, Well I told him I needed a break and he was right about alot of stuff that you cant hide, you cant run away from your problems, You have to deal with them heads on You cant hide behind a stone you cant hide in between the walls of bricks and listen for the rest of your life! It time that this indiviual writing the entries to the fabric of his life deals head on and goes from there. That why i came home to deal with alot of shit and to learn how to deal with it? How to develop a support system down in georgia! How to stop loving so much sex and dealing with it! How to deal with another condition that I have and learn from that and stop what I am doing with that. The one thing that douglas did say was this: YOu will be back in Savannah, and you are coming back and when You come back pay him the dollar sercharge to go to the airport there. We talked about the art of appriciation and that I would be back in savannah to take it heads on and learn from there about myself. There is no doubt in my mind I will be back

Nam-myo-range-kyo

numbing of Pain

2005-01-23T05:37:00.000-10:00

The meaning of a Club: an association of persons for some common object usually jointly supported and meeting periodically. People go to a gay bar because they dont want reality in there life. They want only one thing and one common thing beauty of a sexual experience and a beatiful person at that. When I went last nite they wouldnt offer anything spritiualy or intellectually offering or probley wouldnt care about in a single moment after the sexual experience they would be thanks and that would be it. I would look for a soul or a spirit of a pioneering person who would be real in all forms and care about me and what I have to offer me. None of that was there. To me I looked I saw souless and smoke and mirrors of human vesles that came for main objective one main purpose in there life ! that was a moment of sexual liberation, Sexual freedom from there world of reality. I didnt even have a good time going I went to the society of liberation not for the freedom of sexual liberation or sexual freedom. I went to mane the pain of the essence of this week. As I am in the process of trying to escape my cage of being parlyzed emotionally in all ways I feel as if I am in a glass cubical and I am trying to escape and be free but I cant because I am in an environment that shows my reflections, reflections of a life experience, An experience of blossoming flowers all around me. And there life force is so painful as keep trying to blossom in a vessle that is trying to morn and be blossomless so that he can be reborn when he comes back. But there life force is so powerful instead putting my pain in a situation of being avoided It just keeps flowing, flowing outside as I give the flowers that are blossoming around me a form of karmic energy to keep flowing as my body tears, It tears of why I am leaving, Leaving for a purpose that I cant help. I want to run In the waves and flow away to place I wouldnt see my reflection of this past this week. As the Norther winds call me for migration back they say it ok to be in pain. They say it ok to be intimate, As a wise person said this past summer of 04, she said I was afraid of intimancy and I was, I wanted to be loved and excepted by a vision of a mold of a human form that I wanted and It didnt happen that way at all. Instead I fell head over heels liking a young man who heart chats within one with Buddha. His third eye is fully blossmed. So much instead of me seducing him in the food court He did it to me as well that nite. Oh god why cant I just take flight, Let my wings blossom, Let them extend out and release the chains of my pain, Release me and liberate me so I can leave dont let me see my reflection where I am of the most amazing experience of my life let me flow, flow on my lotus flower away from this pain let it be numb, Let me look for more amazing experiences, Let me not look for that man. Let me be free of this spell that he has put over me. Let me see the rath of medusa, so I can be numb like a statue and not feel this spell that he has put over me. Let me go back to the sea of addiction for the sexual liberation and freedom of a sexual experience and not get tangled in a ocean of intimancy, Why couldnt it be an entrapement of one nite and after that I would not feel anything and be numb. Why did I ask for more time, from him to spend why did I keep saying I want more Why? when all I been doing is being in pain after the beauty of intimancy . Why did I need more Why? I keep asking that I Am so sorry. Why did he have to come sit by me why I was just being friendly and saying Hi? why didnt he go on his own personal journey and have to take detour and crash into mine and take us on an experience that has probley hurt both of us in this current time because the situation that is at hand because of me?
I dont Know if a higher power could tell me what is going to happen today or on my journey let me know?

Nam-myo-range-kyo

Reflections

2005-01-22T16:08:00.000-10:00

As I was suppose to leave today and have the beauty of my life take flight to my sacutuary home It didnt happen instead I will be in Savannah until monday. As I cried this morning, I cried of the beauty that flows around me everyday and nite in my surroundings. I cried because what I have now is what I will not have in a couple of days I want to walk away from it so I dont have to indure the hardships that life offers you and that is the power of saying goodbye. Instead of taking flight today I see reflections of my past week experience. A week of reflections in my own personal mirror, Savannah is my mirror my reflection of my past and present until I go to my sacutuary, Home. Home, Is a place in which many stay because are scared to stray out of there flock, They are scared to see themselves for the first time, They see the raw imagetry of themselves in there personal reflection of there mirror. The meaning of a Mirror= A polished or smooth surface(as of glass) that forms images by reflection. 2.) Something that gives a true representation b: an exemplary model. I have seen that here and now. When I came to savannah I came for two reasons To look for my MFA and Love and now I am finally seeing one true reflection about our human experience and that is not to look for love or for a certain person because when you do as all human experiences not only it does not make th particular mold you want in your life but you set yourself for a raw image that wont take flight and that particular mold of life you want will just dissapate from water into the air and then you wont even see the true reflection of yourself or what is truely going on. We must only move forward never look back Because if we do all we do is hurt so raw to the point you want to stay somewere you cant and for the right and wrong reasons: May something be bad happening with your health and you cant take care of it were your present. Right reason: for the one that fits the mold and makes you hole or you want to get to know so that you can see if they fit the mold and make you hole.
As of right now from the Reflections of this present moment of time and place, All I want to do more than anything is to run, Run free to that path that will lead me, to a time and place so that my body can crash into his and we can spend one last current nite together of intimancy. I believe in signs and symbology in my life. A sign for me is when something happens for a reason and I believe in it. When I didnt leave Savannah today I have to believe that there is a unfinshed story or event that must take place before I take flight In order for this current time of savannah to be apart of my past for now until next quater I have to believe there is something in the universal Law that is playing apart of why I am here for two more days here in savannah. I have analyzed every situation currently possible but this is the only one I can think of currently in my life? When I was at his place I saw a gallery print from a local artist, not the same that I knew of a person that I once knew had but both were by the same artisth and they had imagery of mirrors in the print. I have to believe when I saw that local artist work
at that mans house that all my past and present evil of my world would come to an end for me and that the world would be at my finger tip again as it once was before. That is all I can currently think of in my life. I believe in what comes around goes around. I believe in the universal law. I might be a hopeless romantic but a boy has to try inorder to experience it and let it happen naturally and which it did on the 19th, His place I stayed at didnt have power and it was all candlelight and when our hands crashed into one another they fit united and a mold that was beatiful. And the room glowed of kalpas and wisteria trees and a forest of radiance.

Nam-myoho-renge-kyo

As my wings take flight to migrate in the northern hemsphire of new england

2005-01-22T00:17:00.000-10:00

As my wings take flight and I go home to new england for the time being. I have learned that in order to be one in a flock with others you need proximity in your life. Like two beatiful swans on the lake there hole life is about proximity and that is needed for a healty relationship. Our lives are about being together and learning from one another and being intimate and sharing experiences with certain indiviuals in our lives at certain times and places and that experince just happens sometimes thinking about it and other times not. As I migrate to my home, for six weeks, it not to take the easiest path right now in my life because one must strive to go through some of the most hardships in life in order to get from point A to point B. I know I had to wait two years to come to savannah and now I am leaving, but currently I am just amazed at what a beatiful week of intimancy and life has hit me in so many ways I will never be able to explain it. And at the same time what has happen to me has had made my heart fast and slow at the same time liking someone and wanting to get to know them and currently with what going to be happening it cannot currently happen. But I do have to believe in a mircales in my life, It happen to my friend Kim, and her husband at first she didnt think they were a match and then a year later her husband now calls her up and ask for a second date so a boy has to hope that he will get a second chance and get to strive for the full pointential of opening up his third eye in life and blossoming fully and come full circle in his life. And I hope that I can be friends with this young beatiful, amazing indiviual so i can receive the blessing of the lotus flower and listen and learn from his experiences and teach, learn and listen from him, so that my heart and soul will glow from his knowledge about the present, past, and what to come.

Nam-myoho-renge-kyo

a week of learning chakras and a life lesson

2005-01-20T18:18:00.000-10:00

This week has been an amazing a week of beauty and life. A time in which one will cherish forever in his life. This week I have met a well educated, well versed, beatiful as the lotus flower itself. This Young man name will not be mentioned. But what i have learned from him is to live in the moment and learn about myself. I finally will say this is that I never in my life let my guard down with any kind of man before this week. To have all the romance in the world. I had it in two amazing moments. Both different in there own ways but both special. To be there and be intimate with another man is the most beatiful thing in this world. Our lifes as gay men is not to hookup with as many guys as we can but to find the one indiviual that sparks us. And accepts for what we are about and that this one young man has done for me. He has allowed my guard down in a way that no other guys have allowed me before to accept me for me and let me be me. I am not in love not at all. But i am in the learning process of what I am about and what he has offered me. To have those two amazing moments with him were the most intimate moments ever in my life. He taught me that life has to be a process of learning and having that experience and see were it goes from there. honesty is the best process in life it allows u to open yourself fully and your heart and that what I hope I have been about. As I leave savannah to go home to deal with some stuff until next quater. I relized that I cant be about hookups they just make you feel bad and they are a way of running away from your suffering in your life.
After this week I have to say this young man has valued me more than anyother man in my life have ever. He listens, learns, and has teaches me that there is more to this life than a general hookup. You know going into being with him for one nite was just suppose to be about a hookup and something i wanted for the longest time with him. It was just suppose to be about a great intimate time and no strings attached. Instead of not only seducing him at dinner when we saw eachother on the 19th, Not only did I learn how to be intimate with a man but also, I learned about the art of communication and how to learn from him and about the world. And also to value myself as a person alot more. And now that I am leaving Savannah for the rest of the quater I fell head over heals liking someone and in the process I got not hurt in a bad way just my heart has finally started going fast and slow at the same time in the process of liking someone. I do plan on staying intouch with this young man he is an amazing person and life has many points to a journey but in the end you always get back on the main path of your journey .

Nam-myoho-renge-kyo

Monday a day of not wanting to go to class

2005-01-10T14:25:00.000-10:00

Well I have to say i am very proud of myself for going to class, even though i didnt want to because i am very tired i must say i am starting to get into some of my very bad habits again, which does worry me very much so but if i know now i can stop them before they happen. So anyways as of January 12th i will be posting my new year resolution and what my goals and ambitions will be. Not until then I will not post them until that day and as of that day you my audience will follow what i am doing and i will be posting how i am doing with my particiular goal and how I excute that to my fullest potential and maximize myself to the fullest also. So anyways I had my textile class today and my teacher always says you are students of art and design u need to know how to draw, if you dont know how to draw you are no good to the fashion industry. She is so funny i love her to death. She is so wise and interesting and has this broken english I love it. Even when i am having a bad day. I Think i am going through a ruff patch because of my birthday on the 12th and that why I am so cranky right now. I will talk to later.

Nam-myoho-renge-kyo

lazy sunday afternoon of frustration

2005-01-09T15:56:00.000-10:00

Well as you all know by now my name Ryan, and i am a graduate student working on my Masters of fine Arts in Fashion Design, So anyways I met with my professor for the first time ever for extra help, man huhhhhh she is really critical and very very good at what she does so Iknow she is going to truely mold me into the best designer possible in the fashion industry. Which is really good. It just i am under alot of stress. As of now to maximize my potential as a graduate student and to make my mark on the globe. Then last nite I went out with my friends the first saturday nite back on the 1/8/05 to a really cool irish bar and met a cool person name bec. I love her she is part of our little possy now. Of my little circle of friends at school. There is caroline, paige, liz,bec, and then there liz boytoy, and the guy from philly who not here right now who I really think is cool. So we went out i had at our little starting ground razz vodka and Dr P oh that was so good. Then i took sips of my friends vodka tonics all nite long those are good too and then i didnt go to bed until 6 in the morning. And that was quite interest after i walk the knitwit home because she wanted to go home and all I heard about is how her mother friend has the whole tom ford collection from beginning of his career at gucci until the end of his career at gucci. And that whenever the mothers friend gets either tired of wearing something or looking @ it in her closet she gives it to the knitwit i cant stand that girl and she needs to stop blablabla about herself and start taking interest in other things and stop being caroline (carebears Stalker on campus).

Nam-myoho-renge-kyo

Karma energy of me

2005-01-08T05:46:00.000-10:00

Hey i am Ryan and this is my blog and i am going to tell u what this guy about:I am a very down to earth kind of guy who is looking for Mr. Right and romance that comes along with that Mr. Right. yes i am gay I love cycling, the outdoors, and all about nutrition. I am becoming athletic now, I am into training for something like A 5k some day, I am really into art and going to galleries and going out to dinner and having an intellectual conversation with someone special. I love to go on the beach at Night and watch the waves come in and watch the moon and be romantic. Also into I am very much into the mind, body, and spirit aspect of the modern man. I am very much into Fashion Design I am going to be working on my masters of fine arts for fashion design, So that I can be a college professor some day and no I am not altar fem or a flamboyant guy. My Personality is like the Professor from Queer as folk and Brian Kinney but a caring Brian Kinney!!!!!!! And not into that scene of flamboyantace. I am not the type of person that puts up with much BS or Games. I care about people, and think that there is good in everyone. I always offer an open ear, and a shoulder, and a trusting true heart. I think that being honest with yourself and others is the key to having a happy life. I look for strong, reliable, fun, energetic, and honest people to share my life with. I am full of energy and take each day as a new beginning... making it into whatever I want it to be.

Nam-myoho-renge-kyo