Sopshicated style in my life

I feel as if I scared to design, one because of my fathers words of wisdom now six years ago and that was the fact that one u will be labled a queer and two, business there is always needs for jobs. I think more importantly being bipolar this year and finding out I am ADHD, going down the first time and faling at it, and then again faling at it because of my everyday life and what I struggle with. I scared to design because I am scared of failure in my life I am scared to live on my own again and having a relaps in my life because I could not handle the pressure of graduate school @ that time and place in my life. I have to take that leap of faith but I am scared, scared so much it hurts when I gasp for air, Maybe my father was that I would be a failure at it and that there was so much competition for it and I was not cut out for it, But I think I am talented and I feel if I have confidence in me I will be fine in my life. I take responisblity for what has happen to me this year. I am scared most of all because how do I know I will not be a failure when I leave the nest in my life that I am so continueously return to in my life. My entire I have always wanted to make beauty out of nothing and I still do but I am scared scared to fall flat out on the ground and no way of picking myself up from the mess that could happen and it scares me to death, it is general life maintance for me to go to a therapist, take meds, handle the pressure of everyday classes and working, It scares me to death that I will fall on my face.

Nam-Myo-Range-Kyo

Avoidance in one life!!!!!!!

avoidance:often attributive: the act or practice of keeping away from or withdrawing from something undesirable,reinforced by escape. When I went to savannah, georgia for graduate school I was doing alot of avoiding my creditors, my responsbilities, my health, So last week I filled for bankruptcy, I had no choice, I was up agains a fucking wall in which this was a last resort in my life, This was my only way for progression and to move on in my endless journey in the present and my future. Sara, My therapist has been using maslows theory of higher archy to use as my form of therapy model, for my treatment of therapy. Every week we joke about about all the gay men in the northwest corner of Connecticut and how she should have a happy hour/social get together to get all the gay men with baggage together to see if any of us are compatible with eachother for life partners. I finally been through all my trials in life so far, But there is one person I do still miss deeply in my heart and soul and that is carter, as I said before I can stand on my own too feet, I wish I could find someone like him to enter into my spirit and soul in my life.

Avoidance for me, I doing everything I want, and not doing proper planning. Planning is the key to one life and what one must do in order to be successful in ones life. I have been advoiding the proper successful steps in my life in order to move on. I am finally working on the weight, I have tried and tried to the ends of the earth and I dont find this as a one time solution but away to work towards the goal and strip me of the chains that have been holding my essence, my vessel of life down in a prison and my health. We must face every part of our life face to face or we will never move forward to success in ones life. For me doing everything I want is at that current time and moment and not the necessary things that need to get done inorder to be success for me.

Rosa Parks,said: "I am leaving this legacy to all of you ... to bring peace, justice, equality, love and a fulfillment of what our lives should be. Without vision, the people will perish, and without courage and inspiration, dreams will die -- the dream of freedom and peace." Her convictions and morals out this statement was for every american in life for equality, and not be denied equal rights if Rosa Parks advoided the situation and moved there would not be equality, and there would be segreation to this very day and time. But there is still segregation towards gay people, because we choose to love partners of the same sex, It is not normal some may say from the right wing christians, But was it normal for the mormens to have mutiple wives in the past yes, but why cant there be equality because it is one simple thing this very country was based on christian belief, also everything is about interupting about laws, society and government.

Nam-Myo-Range-Kyo

Karma Of Past and Present!

Today was a conversation of persistance:The state or quality of being persistent; persistency or progression in ones life. As I went into the city today, I remember a time and place that I was down and I was miserable, Because I was raped, I lost of a montary possessions, and endangerment to myself. I was a at a place and a time were I was put in rapture of ciagos in my life. I went to a buddhist temple today and I chanted for those who deal with pain on a daily bases and are not one within themselves. My fortune from the buddhist temple states: My probability of sucess is good, My pairing was done before words, My fruits of my progression are flown in by iron birds, as they are flown in I await there until there everlasting glow of their full potential, Somehow, somewhere, you"ll be well know. Progression for me was about me, me alone embarking on a journey of past demons, having to be in total darkness in the mist of a storm and no never ending to it in anyway or form, I had to let the love of my parents to guide me, and show me the love of guidance and embundance, it was the guiding migration of my life in there hands and not letting me go and showing that my soul was too beatiful for so much suffering in one life, release my wings and fly little one onto everlasting happiness and escape your never ending suffering in your life that you have suffered so far in your journey of your past, In which so far I feel that I have being 24 @ 1:40 am in the morning.

Today I saw apart of my past, in flash to the end of my day before I left NYC, When I was walking to the train station to take the outgoing train, to Connecticut, I saw my two former favorite residents, When I was a Resident Assistant in college, I did not know what the results of my labor and passion with higher education at the time of my senior year in college would be? Until this very day and time. Today I saw two grown young men embarking on ways they need to live out their lives for now before the next stage of their progression on there endless journey in life, Today I saw progression within these two young men and I also saw falws in these young men that with the essence of time can be overcomed on their endless journey in life.

Nam-Myo-Range-Kyo.

pride and predujust in a letter to the human mind of a close minded person

It Ryan: I thought about a lot about what you have said and it is fine you don't want to date me or anything, But by some of your actions and what I could hear your voice after your journey with your partner it made me feel like I don't deserved to be loved by another man and that I don't deserve friendship of human beings because I am simply bipolar. I saw how you simply will not except any im's because I am bipolar and I found that quite interesting. As gay men we struggle with our identity and how to be equal in society and we are denied a variety of social aspects and respects of our society. I also have a brother that is bipolar and I went through hell when I was growing up so I know what it is like to see the same things as you the destruction, pain, negativity,threats. That is to me a double standard you are showing predujust to me simply because you don't want another human being as a friend just because they are bipolar. You are doing the same thing to me as if I had aids and it was contracted even the thought if you touched someone in the 80's, You cant be there friend because you might get aids if you are there friends or you touch them that what you are doing to me. You can totally have me as a friend and that all and we can enjoy the simple pleasures of being each other friends we have simple common interest and that all I would like nothing more.

Nam-Myo-Range-kyo