You cant erased anything you have with anyone

The last couple of weeks have been rough for me as a gay 24 year old male. One of the reasons why is being bipolar and the second blocking my thoughts and sounds of him. I finally hooked up with someone from Northampton this week I dont know if I did that to mend a heart and a soul. I been trying to erase memories, parts of savannah, times with friends. I left savannah so I could better and straighten out my medications and my bipolar eposodes but nothing been going on really I been going to appointments and listening to doctors and what they have to say. Evertime I get an obstacle from my higher power it takes so much out of me to over come it. I am trying to breath, longing to look for my life back and to not be on hold anymore. Every time I Look back I cant ask for that back right now it not far for me. I am trying to get better and every time I breath or look backwards it hurts it hurts to look at what I have and what I dont have now. It hurts to see what I am trying to accomplish and not happening because I know what I am doing is right but it not happening. My therapist is amazing she knows what is in my best interest. I cant change what is happening I cant pretend what is happen. I Feel like I am losing myself and what I want. I feel like I dont deserve to be happy. I Am depressed. I Know who I want to love and it breaks all the rules god had set upon on us. I am not trying to change what is happening but god dame it when I do the dame right thing for once and I am not trying to denie that I am trying to get better. But I want to be victor finally I want to over come my epsoide of bipolar, I always have been at consent war with it. I am trying not have the consent war of a coldness of dark, I Dont know what to do. HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. I tried to start dating also I learn we are human and we have feelings and thoughts and we arent machinesssssssssssssssss.

Nam-myo-range-kyo

Beatiful Disater

Today is Valentines Day, well I talked to kyan we will call the guy I like back in ga, my heart pounds of life for him, but it just ant right Because he is 20 years old and I dont know what he is after and I cant expect a thing, If I can hold on I will but I cant and I have to move on. He is magic and the magic was in january and it just gives me more damaged to my life and to whom I am. If I could just hold him one last time. I would love to. If I could hold on I would but he is going to france. He has taught me so much in a single heart beat and from that because of him he has made me a better person. When I was on the plane it was I was looking down at what is now my past and because of him I Dont want to stray and because of him I did get hurt and from that I will go back to being myself alone in this world. Floating on a lotus flower and being myself and going from that. And because of him I have learned to love myself and because of him I have learned to value myself and now because of him I am trying to leave myself back on my lotus flower alone alone in this world back to place were I dont and I cant be found. I want to be back in the flowers of the shade of darkness and I want to just focus on my work and go from there.

Nam-Myo-Range-Kyo

My therapist said I fell in Love

My therapist said I fell in Love, meaning=1 a (1) : strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties (2) : attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers (3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests b : an assurance of love 2 : warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion 3 a : the object of attachment, devotion, or admiration 1 a (1) : strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties (2) : attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers (3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests b : an assurance of love 2 : warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion 3 a : the object of attachment, devotion, or admiration b (1) : a beloved person : DARLING -- often used as a term of endearment. I am trying, to numb the pain i feel that piereces me, I am currently in between to decide, decide to try and see if me and that young man can be friends. There is so much I have been reflecting on in my life these past couple of weeks. You know everyone is asking me if I gave him my email or my cell phone I never did. He is so real and true to whom he is and that is what I like most about him, And everytime I see him he makes me glow. He makes me feel real and true to whom I am. He makes my heart fell blind and makes the subject matter he offers me universally unique. I cant plan anything that would be rushing into things and the matter of that is I dont want to. For now if I cant have anything else with him then friends is fine for me. Life is about compremise in life. My soul may want more but that is human nature. To just sit with him and convers about life. He raises me up to be a better person. He makes me to want more in life. To make myself have more abitions and goals in my life. He makes me want to make a difference with the world and my work as an artist. My soul maybe down and my heart maybe burned but I know, what I want and that is to sit and convers about life and learn about him and what he offers the world.

Nam-Myo-Range-Kyo

Northers Yankee Gay Society/Souther Confederate Gay Society

I went to a gay bar in Providence, Rode Island last nite, things are totally different than the south in the gay community. At the Gay clubs up north not only not really friendly but they have only one common thread one common bond for them and that is sexual liberation of life. The Gay society up north you go to a gay bar they are all about beauty on the outside like how perfect are you and how beatiful of what you look like. What else I hate is they are all clones, meaning Black shoes, jeans and a long dress shirt of some sort or abercrombie kind of gay guy. I was bord, bord because there so much more to life, Than going to the gay bars every saturday, It the same people and trying for them to be comfortable being a homosexual. Being a homosexual is just one part of whom you are. And not about what you are in life. I guess being 24 I have become A young man that is an adult. That is what my therapist says. I am not going to look for love, or for beauty in a club. I will look at guys and go up to them and complement them on there looks but I wont look for love, and I am looking for a mature person. But the one thing I do hate in the gay bars up north no one will give you a chance,no one will talk to you, they will look at you if you are like a beautiful piece of china and that is all. The radiance of our lives isnt on the outside but is what the soul looks like when it glows of life, intellectual, Love and compassion,

Nam-Myo-Range-Kyo

A life My DNA Chose For Me By a higher power

Gentics and A higher Power put me in the family I am in. However the Young man I would turn out to be that was society and My parents lifestyle. Many people wouldnt understand how a son or daughter would reflect there parents and there lifestyle. But what I do and how I do it does especially in public. Even at a local restaurant you see people that know my parents and what they do. Sometimes I can get angry but I understand what it is ment to be who I am and what comes with the territory of my life. I can choose to play the game and have the waters smooth if I play the in the big leagues or I can totally go against the grain and have it rough. I like the authority and power and what comes playing in the big leagues. And using my trump Card. I Love having expensive things and doing what I do. No one question me or what I know. Neither do they hate me they except me and once they relize who I am and what I do. That is the best Part. But in the town in CT, is very gossipy and all knowing and I hate that. When I came home from Savannah, GA The waitresses Assummed when I had my earing put in my ear on the 11th, of January that a friend did it and that why it got infected well that not what happen. People also Assume certain things. They always I thought I didnt wanted to leave home well I did. I took time from School because I needed it. I needed time to relax and be me and have just a good time and enjoy it and all it offers it. School Will start back up in March after St. Patricks day. And that A good time to start school again and I will go in the summer that fine also Too. And Everything will be fine and I will do what I normally do and just go to school in the summer and hangout and chill It is like work and that fine. For me I am trying to refocus myself and what I do. I am trying to make no more mistakes in my life and I am not going to apologize to anyone except but to my parents for some of my actions. And what I have done in the past but I have changed into a more mature Aiden, A more mature indiviual that relizes that there are conques in my life which have paid dearly these past weeks at the same time I have changed into a more elegant Aiden, More star quality kind of man in which people like and that good. And that what I like about it. Nam-Myo-Range-Kyo