No Easy Way to say goodbye for now

There was no easy way to say goodbye the deed was done before I met that young man. As I left I have to was singing to myself one of seals new songs. There was no way to say goodbye to savannah and what it offered me. Going home I thought I would be ok. I all I can is hope that Is the faith I lost in that indiviual who I feel head over heals liking for will be able to give me a second chance at something if he is single when I see him again? Right now I am looking for some form of a state of grace and find peace with the decision decided to do. It was not the easiest decision to come back home to my sanctuary. All I can hope is the next time is that I see that guy who 20 years old down in savannah is he will listen, learn, and have an open heart to why I did what I did. All I wanted was to do was to put some light on my life and fix the mistakes that are currently making me weak. As I took flight on monday, was look at the ground at the past reflections of my week. A week of beauty and passion in my life. As I am in my sanctuary I am looking for stuff to do and I am bord I want to be active and find life and I want to embrace it fully and I cant. I am craving fashion more than anything. I am looking for the right answer of why I did what I did at this current present time in my life? But as my mother said it was to put light on things you been running from. It is time I Face them directly in my reflection and ask them for why I done what I did in the past and why I did what I did? only my reflection will know my answers and the only way I can ask them is if I face them in the mirror of my present time at were I am at in my life. There was and is no way to say goodbye to the people you love most in this world. For now I am closing my heart and my eyes until someone steals them from me. I wont be looking for love or passion in my life, this way it is so much easier in my life. Caroline, Elizabeth, Becca, and Paige, I miss you guys down in Savannah.

Nam-myo-range-kyo

A Conversation With A wisdom Of Reflection

Tonite I had a Conversation Of wisdom that is truely my reflection: That is my Father, a man that would have represented the bull and I would of been the Bull fighter in my life. My father, Has a very High profile Job Not in Georgia, But Somewhere in the New england States. I told him: When you are the child of a very high profiled person In your community. You cant have your dirty laundry soiled out in public, Not only does it represent the person in your family with high profile status Que but you as the child of the high profiled Parent have a status que in your society that is equal to your parent. And you represent everything that parent does and everything and anything you do not only reflects you but also upon the parent and upon what there mark is from you on society. My father said I was right when I used to have this argument with him he said it didnt matter but now that I am 24, a young grown man he said I was right. He goes Aiden there are two important things about representing yourself on society: 1:) Your Reputation in your High society profile in your community or society. 2:) Your credit rating, with todays Jobmarket and workplace they are allowed to look at your credit rating, also if you want a good house or a car down the road. Everything He said Was right, for once me and my father conversation turned out to be an = meaning that we agreed both were right and that I was right that I have a high profiled status in my community and that I have done the right things to hide certain health problems and dirty laundry that could be the gossip because of what my father does for work and how it could reflect on both of us.I didnt choose to be whom I am or was born to my family or have certain health issues. It is what it is and both my parents and I have learned to accept certain things. My father even joked about a gay joke I made about myself and someone I saw. He goes look who talking he never done that before. The meaning of Appearences:ap·pear·ance Pronunciation: &-'pir-&n(t)sFunction: noun1 a : external show : SEMBLANCE b : outward aspect : LOOK c plural : outward indication 2 a : a sense impression or aspect of a thing b : the world of sensible phenomena3 a : the act, action, or process of appearing . Sometimes in society We are pressured to do things we have to and that to put up smoke and mirrors even though we dont want to but it is necessary. But in my case I love it all feeling it, In away I am a northern debutant but in a gay guy form. The parents house, The car, the society approval of knowing every one and acting it. Wearing leather and understanding Art and society and high rolling power players in my society and community. Even though we act it and do it. There are those who dont act it because those are the millionares. But Still when you have a High powered job It gives you the opposites and that is to be looked upon by society and they ask and you only give so much for there curiosity. Or there curiosity will not only skin you alive but it will seduce you and kill there vision, there dream, and what you want them to think of you. I am not all about material things in this life believe me that not what life about there are many other things as I write I give you a thought or a conversation so you the viewer can see me raw and true and not invisible.
Nam-Myo-Range-Kyo

Conversation with Old southern Taxi driver

Today my day started at 11:40, I went to go get something to eat @ the cafe on campus in savannah. Then I got everything out of my place and called the taxi, Well the drive was wisdom in himself, his name was douglas, We talked, He said you werent ready for graduate school and He was right for now. He said Life is harsh and it is reality in itself and he was right. Then I told him about the situation on saturday and how I had a breatherlizer test and I passed with flying colors in itself. Then We talked about the young man in my life this past week! He said why you leaving if everything is right, if you have similar interest, you like him and he like you, Well I told him I needed a break and he was right about alot of stuff that you cant hide, you cant run away from your problems, You have to deal with them heads on You cant hide behind a stone you cant hide in between the walls of bricks and listen for the rest of your life! It time that this indiviual writing the entries to the fabric of his life deals head on and goes from there. That why i came home to deal with alot of shit and to learn how to deal with it? How to develop a support system down in georgia! How to stop loving so much sex and dealing with it! How to deal with another condition that I have and learn from that and stop what I am doing with that. The one thing that douglas did say was this: YOu will be back in Savannah, and you are coming back and when You come back pay him the dollar sercharge to go to the airport there. We talked about the art of appriciation and that I would be back in savannah to take it heads on and learn from there about myself. There is no doubt in my mind I will be back

Nam-myo-range-kyo

numbing of Pain

The meaning of a Club: an association of persons for some common object usually jointly supported and meeting periodically. People go to a gay bar because they dont want reality in there life. They want only one thing and one common thing beauty of a sexual experience and a beatiful person at that. When I went last nite they wouldnt offer anything spritiualy or intellectually offering or probley wouldnt care about in a single moment after the sexual experience they would be thanks and that would be it. I would look for a soul or a spirit of a pioneering person who would be real in all forms and care about me and what I have to offer me. None of that was there. To me I looked I saw souless and smoke and mirrors of human vesles that came for main objective one main purpose in there life ! that was a moment of sexual liberation, Sexual freedom from there world of reality. I didnt even have a good time going I went to the society of liberation not for the freedom of sexual liberation or sexual freedom. I went to mane the pain of the essence of this week. As I am in the process of trying to escape my cage of being parlyzed emotionally in all ways I feel as if I am in a glass cubical and I am trying to escape and be free but I cant because I am in an environment that shows my reflections, reflections of a life experience, An experience of blossoming flowers all around me. And there life force is so painful as keep trying to blossom in a vessle that is trying to morn and be blossomless so that he can be reborn when he comes back. But there life force is so powerful instead putting my pain in a situation of being avoided It just keeps flowing, flowing outside as I give the flowers that are blossoming around me a form of karmic energy to keep flowing as my body tears, It tears of why I am leaving, Leaving for a purpose that I cant help. I want to run In the waves and flow away to place I wouldnt see my reflection of this past this week. As the Norther winds call me for migration back they say it ok to be in pain. They say it ok to be intimate, As a wise person said this past summer of 04, she said I was afraid of intimancy and I was, I wanted to be loved and excepted by a vision of a mold of a human form that I wanted and It didnt happen that way at all. Instead I fell head over heels liking a young man who heart chats within one with Buddha. His third eye is fully blossmed. So much instead of me seducing him in the food court He did it to me as well that nite. Oh god why cant I just take flight, Let my wings blossom, Let them extend out and release the chains of my pain, Release me and liberate me so I can leave dont let me see my reflection where I am of the most amazing experience of my life let me flow, flow on my lotus flower away from this pain let it be numb, Let me look for more amazing experiences, Let me not look for that man. Let me be free of this spell that he has put over me. Let me see the rath of medusa, so I can be numb like a statue and not feel this spell that he has put over me. Let me go back to the sea of addiction for the sexual liberation and freedom of a sexual experience and not get tangled in a ocean of intimancy, Why couldnt it be an entrapement of one nite and after that I would not feel anything and be numb. Why did I ask for more time, from him to spend why did I keep saying I want more Why? when all I been doing is being in pain after the beauty of intimancy . Why did I need more Why? I keep asking that I Am so sorry. Why did he have to come sit by me why I was just being friendly and saying Hi? why didnt he go on his own personal journey and have to take detour and crash into mine and take us on an experience that has probley hurt both of us in this current time because the situation that is at hand because of me?
I dont Know if a higher power could tell me what is going to happen today or on my journey let me know?

Nam-myo-range-kyo

Reflections

As I was suppose to leave today and have the beauty of my life take flight to my sacutuary home It didnt happen instead I will be in Savannah until monday. As I cried this morning, I cried of the beauty that flows around me everyday and nite in my surroundings. I cried because what I have now is what I will not have in a couple of days I want to walk away from it so I dont have to indure the hardships that life offers you and that is the power of saying goodbye. Instead of taking flight today I see reflections of my past week experience. A week of reflections in my own personal mirror, Savannah is my mirror my reflection of my past and present until I go to my sacutuary, Home. Home, Is a place in which many stay because are scared to stray out of there flock, They are scared to see themselves for the first time, They see the raw imagetry of themselves in there personal reflection of there mirror. The meaning of a Mirror= A polished or smooth surface(as of glass) that forms images by reflection. 2.) Something that gives a true representation b: an exemplary model. I have seen that here and now. When I came to savannah I came for two reasons To look for my MFA and Love and now I am finally seeing one true reflection about our human experience and that is not to look for love or for a certain person because when you do as all human experiences not only it does not make th particular mold you want in your life but you set yourself for a raw image that wont take flight and that particular mold of life you want will just dissapate from water into the air and then you wont even see the true reflection of yourself or what is truely going on. We must only move forward never look back Because if we do all we do is hurt so raw to the point you want to stay somewere you cant and for the right and wrong reasons: May something be bad happening with your health and you cant take care of it were your present. Right reason: for the one that fits the mold and makes you hole or you want to get to know so that you can see if they fit the mold and make you hole.
As of right now from the Reflections of this present moment of time and place, All I want to do more than anything is to run, Run free to that path that will lead me, to a time and place so that my body can crash into his and we can spend one last current nite together of intimancy. I believe in signs and symbology in my life. A sign for me is when something happens for a reason and I believe in it. When I didnt leave Savannah today I have to believe that there is a unfinshed story or event that must take place before I take flight In order for this current time of savannah to be apart of my past for now until next quater I have to believe there is something in the universal Law that is playing apart of why I am here for two more days here in savannah. I have analyzed every situation currently possible but this is the only one I can think of currently in my life? When I was at his place I saw a gallery print from a local artist, not the same that I knew of a person that I once knew had but both were by the same artisth and they had imagery of mirrors in the print. I have to believe when I saw that local artist work
at that mans house that all my past and present evil of my world would come to an end for me and that the world would be at my finger tip again as it once was before. That is all I can currently think of in my life. I believe in what comes around goes around. I believe in the universal law. I might be a hopeless romantic but a boy has to try inorder to experience it and let it happen naturally and which it did on the 19th, His place I stayed at didnt have power and it was all candlelight and when our hands crashed into one another they fit united and a mold that was beatiful. And the room glowed of kalpas and wisteria trees and a forest of radiance.

Nam-myoho-renge-kyo

As my wings take flight to migrate in the northern hemsphire of new england

As my wings take flight and I go home to new england for the time being. I have learned that in order to be one in a flock with others you need proximity in your life. Like two beatiful swans on the lake there hole life is about proximity and that is needed for a healty relationship. Our lives are about being together and learning from one another and being intimate and sharing experiences with certain indiviuals in our lives at certain times and places and that experince just happens sometimes thinking about it and other times not. As I migrate to my home, for six weeks, it not to take the easiest path right now in my life because one must strive to go through some of the most hardships in life in order to get from point A to point B. I know I had to wait two years to come to savannah and now I am leaving, but currently I am just amazed at what a beatiful week of intimancy and life has hit me in so many ways I will never be able to explain it. And at the same time what has happen to me has had made my heart fast and slow at the same time liking someone and wanting to get to know them and currently with what going to be happening it cannot currently happen. But I do have to believe in a mircales in my life, It happen to my friend Kim, and her husband at first she didnt think they were a match and then a year later her husband now calls her up and ask for a second date so a boy has to hope that he will get a second chance and get to strive for the full pointential of opening up his third eye in life and blossoming fully and come full circle in his life. And I hope that I can be friends with this young beatiful, amazing indiviual so i can receive the blessing of the lotus flower and listen and learn from his experiences and teach, learn and listen from him, so that my heart and soul will glow from his knowledge about the present, past, and what to come.

Nam-myoho-renge-kyo

a week of learning chakras and a life lesson

This week has been an amazing a week of beauty and life. A time in which one will cherish forever in his life. This week I have met a well educated, well versed, beatiful as the lotus flower itself. This Young man name will not be mentioned. But what i have learned from him is to live in the moment and learn about myself. I finally will say this is that I never in my life let my guard down with any kind of man before this week. To have all the romance in the world. I had it in two amazing moments. Both different in there own ways but both special. To be there and be intimate with another man is the most beatiful thing in this world. Our lifes as gay men is not to hookup with as many guys as we can but to find the one indiviual that sparks us. And accepts for what we are about and that this one young man has done for me. He has allowed my guard down in a way that no other guys have allowed me before to accept me for me and let me be me. I am not in love not at all. But i am in the learning process of what I am about and what he has offered me. To have those two amazing moments with him were the most intimate moments ever in my life. He taught me that life has to be a process of learning and having that experience and see were it goes from there. honesty is the best process in life it allows u to open yourself fully and your heart and that what I hope I have been about. As I leave savannah to go home to deal with some stuff until next quater. I relized that I cant be about hookups they just make you feel bad and they are a way of running away from your suffering in your life.
After this week I have to say this young man has valued me more than anyother man in my life have ever. He listens, learns, and has teaches me that there is more to this life than a general hookup. You know going into being with him for one nite was just suppose to be about a hookup and something i wanted for the longest time with him. It was just suppose to be about a great intimate time and no strings attached. Instead of not only seducing him at dinner when we saw eachother on the 19th, Not only did I learn how to be intimate with a man but also, I learned about the art of communication and how to learn from him and about the world. And also to value myself as a person alot more. And now that I am leaving Savannah for the rest of the quater I fell head over heals liking someone and in the process I got not hurt in a bad way just my heart has finally started going fast and slow at the same time in the process of liking someone. I do plan on staying intouch with this young man he is an amazing person and life has many points to a journey but in the end you always get back on the main path of your journey .

Nam-myoho-renge-kyo

Monday a day of not wanting to go to class

Well I have to say i am very proud of myself for going to class, even though i didnt want to because i am very tired i must say i am starting to get into some of my very bad habits again, which does worry me very much so but if i know now i can stop them before they happen. So anyways as of January 12th i will be posting my new year resolution and what my goals and ambitions will be. Not until then I will not post them until that day and as of that day you my audience will follow what i am doing and i will be posting how i am doing with my particiular goal and how I excute that to my fullest potential and maximize myself to the fullest also. So anyways I had my textile class today and my teacher always says you are students of art and design u need to know how to draw, if you dont know how to draw you are no good to the fashion industry. She is so funny i love her to death. She is so wise and interesting and has this broken english I love it. Even when i am having a bad day. I Think i am going through a ruff patch because of my birthday on the 12th and that why I am so cranky right now. I will talk to later.

Nam-myoho-renge-kyo

lazy sunday afternoon of frustration

Well as you all know by now my name Ryan, and i am a graduate student working on my Masters of fine Arts in Fashion Design, So anyways I met with my professor for the first time ever for extra help, man huhhhhh she is really critical and very very good at what she does so Iknow she is going to truely mold me into the best designer possible in the fashion industry. Which is really good. It just i am under alot of stress. As of now to maximize my potential as a graduate student and to make my mark on the globe. Then last nite I went out with my friends the first saturday nite back on the 1/8/05 to a really cool irish bar and met a cool person name bec. I love her she is part of our little possy now. Of my little circle of friends at school. There is caroline, paige, liz,bec, and then there liz boytoy, and the guy from philly who not here right now who I really think is cool. So we went out i had at our little starting ground razz vodka and Dr P oh that was so good. Then i took sips of my friends vodka tonics all nite long those are good too and then i didnt go to bed until 6 in the morning. And that was quite interest after i walk the knitwit home because she wanted to go home and all I heard about is how her mother friend has the whole tom ford collection from beginning of his career at gucci until the end of his career at gucci. And that whenever the mothers friend gets either tired of wearing something or looking @ it in her closet she gives it to the knitwit i cant stand that girl and she needs to stop blablabla about herself and start taking interest in other things and stop being caroline (carebears Stalker on campus).

Nam-myoho-renge-kyo

Karma energy of me

Hey i am Ryan and this is my blog and i am going to tell u what this guy about:I am a very down to earth kind of guy who is looking for Mr. Right and romance that comes along with that Mr. Right. yes i am gay I love cycling, the outdoors, and all about nutrition. I am becoming athletic now, I am into training for something like A 5k some day, I am really into art and going to galleries and going out to dinner and having an intellectual conversation with someone special. I love to go on the beach at Night and watch the waves come in and watch the moon and be romantic. Also into I am very much into the mind, body, and spirit aspect of the modern man. I am very much into Fashion Design I am going to be working on my masters of fine arts for fashion design, So that I can be a college professor some day and no I am not altar fem or a flamboyant guy. My Personality is like the Professor from Queer as folk and Brian Kinney but a caring Brian Kinney!!!!!!! And not into that scene of flamboyantace. I am not the type of person that puts up with much BS or Games. I care about people, and think that there is good in everyone. I always offer an open ear, and a shoulder, and a trusting true heart. I think that being honest with yourself and others is the key to having a happy life. I look for strong, reliable, fun, energetic, and honest people to share my life with. I am full of energy and take each day as a new beginning... making it into whatever I want it to be.

Nam-myoho-renge-kyo